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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22842070">If he's as bad as they say, then I guess I'm cursed.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireplanetz/pseuds/fireplanetz'>fireplanetz</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Convin, Fluff, Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Reed800 - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:09:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,695</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22842070</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireplanetz/pseuds/fireplanetz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Tina says he's a coward, and he knows she's right. He's hopelessly and pathetically in love with Connor, and he's too much of a coward to do a damn thing about it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Connor &amp; Gavin Reed, Connor/Gavin Reed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>177</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If he's as bad as they say, then I guess I'm cursed.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Gavin wanted Connor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wanted him so bad that it </span>
  <em>
    <span>hurt.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a tug at his fingertips and an ache in his throat and all he wanted was to have Connor close to him. To touch him, to love him, to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>his.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He’d felt this way before - but never this intensely. He had spent his past relationships in a whirlwind of chaos, constantly trying to grab hold of someone to love and always letting them slip through his fingers. His past loves had been intense, beautiful and tragic in the same breath. His heart still ached when he thought of some of them, wishing he could have held on longer. Wishing he could have fallen for someone who stayed because then he wouldn’t feel this way about Connor. He wouldn’t feel so completely and utterly lost and hopeless and desperate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d never felt this way, and it terrified him. It made him want to scream and cry and run to a place where he would never be found.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because Connor was different. He was an android.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Gavin hated him for it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d hated Connor since the moment he first saw him. From that first night they met he wanted to point his gun to the spot between Connor’s eyes and pull the trigger. He almost did, once. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hated himself for it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin hated himself, because he knew that he would never be like Connor. He couldn’t. Gavin was human. Gavin would age, get sick, get injured, lose his mind, wither until he was nothing. Gavin was a leaf that would change colors and shrivel and fall from the tree when his time came. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor would live far beyond Gavin’s death. He would never age, never weaken. He would watch as generations of humans passed through his life, coming and going like trains in a station. Sure, he could break down. He could be destroyed. But Connor has died before. There was always another body waiting to bring him back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin only had one. He had one heart, scarred and broken. One mind, aged and forgetful. When Gavin died, he wouldn’t come back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was inevitable - their separation. Gavin’s death would break Connor’s heart, and there was nothing he could do about it. He was protecting Connor, really. He was protecting Connor from the pain and loss and tragedy that would come of loving Gavin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tina says he’s a coward.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe she’s right. Gavin’s heart has been broken so many times that sometimes he wonders if he has any space left to love. He knows the answer when he sees Connor. He knows he’s a coward because he can’t bear the thought of one day losing Connor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he looks at Connor, he feels as if his heart has been torn from his chest. He can feel the blood dripping from his fingertips and spilling onto the floor. He wonders why nobody else can see the blood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sometimes he thinks Connor can see it. The android will look at him and let his gaze linger. He’ll furrow his brow, trying to understand why Gavin looks at him like he’s going to die. Then his gaze will soften, his eyes glowing with understanding.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sight makes bile rise in Gavin’s throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tina says he’s a coward, and she’s right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin is afraid. He’s afraid of what people will think.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin Reed, the android-hating homicide detective with a thick disciplinary file and a scar across his face that shows he’s no stranger to violence. Gavin Reed, the hopelessly-in-love man who runs away with his tail between his legs when Connor so much as speaks to him. Gavin Reed, the complete and total idiot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s afraid that people will see them together and scoff. He’s afraid that people will see them together and Gavin will have to admit that he’s fallen in love with the one person he swore he would hate forever. He’s afraid that people will see them together and find Connor alone and teach him what happens when an android gets involved with a human. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s seen what happens to androids who try it. He’s a homicide detective, after all. Since the revolution, he’s seen androids torn apart and tortured and put on display as an example to the rest of what happens when an android tries to love. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels sick when he thinks of what could happen to Connor if they were together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He can take care of himself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tina’s words shook him from his thoughts. Blunt as ever, she glared at him through narrowed eyes. He can hear the exasperation in her words and knows that he’s being feeble, but he couldn’t live with himself if Connor was hurt because of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tina rolled her eyes, stirring her drink with the straw. They often went out for drinks together after work and tonight was no exception. This bar wasn’t their favorite, but it was the closest to the station, and Gavin wasn’t in the mood to head downtown just for a couple drinks and a potential hookup. Sex wasn’t even fun for him anymore - not like it used to be. Now, all he could think of was Connor. Any time someone touched him all he could think about was what it would feel like for Connor to touch him. What did it feel like when an android’s fingers brushed against your skin? Were they warm, like a human’s? Or cold, like plastic? Did their skin grow hot and flushed when they got turned on? Did Connor’s heart pound in his chest so hard that it resonated through his entire body?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gavin.” Tina snapped her fingers in front of his face, “Gavin!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shook his head to clear his thoughts, ignoring the way his stomach fluttered when he imagined Connor in bed. He reached for the bottle in front of him and took a sip, grimacing at the taste. Fuck, he hated the taste of beer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You either need to grow some balls and ask Connor out or forget about him and stop torturing yourself.” Tina leaned on the bar on one elbow, making sure Gavin didn’t look away. “I’m sick of watching you mope around the office all day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t mope.” Gavin muttered defensively, taking another bitter sip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look like a sick puppy.” A smile played on Tina’s lips and her eyes sparkled with mischief, “A </span>
  <em>
    <span>lovesick</span>
  </em>
  <span> puppy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin groaned, leaning back in his chair and tilting his head back with closed eyes. For once, he wasn’t amused by Tina’s teasing. He knew she was just trying to help, but he also knew that Tina could never understand the way he felt. Tina had never had feelings for an android, and she certainly had never had feelings for someone everyone thought she hated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look,” She began, her tone turning serious, “I really think you need to talk to Connor. Maybe don’t confess your undying love for him as an icebreaker, but just </span>
  <em>
    <span>talk</span>
  </em>
  <span> to him! Become friends.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Friends?” Gavin snorted, “Connor fucking hates me. After what I did, I’m not surprised. He would be well within his rights to get a restraining order on me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But he won’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Connor had every right to hate Gavin. For pulling a gun on him, for hitting him, for threatening him, for treating him like he was nothing. Since the revolution, Connor had never once tried to get back at Gavin for what he did. The android was infuriatingly friendly, in fact. Connor would smile and greet Gavin every morning, at every crime scene, at every meeting, briefing, and break-time coffee confab in the break room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin wasn’t a total asshole. He’d return the greeting sans smile, however he usually avoided eye contact and hid his face from Connor’s view so he couldn’t see the deep red blush that spread across his cheeks. He didn’t shoulder-check him anymore. He usually offered a non-commital grunt any time Connor suggested a new work method during interrogations and investigations. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.” Gavin repeated, looking down at his hand that still gripped the bottle. He drummed his fingers against the side and sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tina reached across the bar and rested her hand over his, “Talk to him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Talk to him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Easy for her to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later that night, Gavin lay in his bed, rubbing his palms against his eyes as her words played over and over in his head. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Talk to him.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Who did Tina think he was? Someone who knows how to talk to people?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The truth was, even </span>
  <em>
    <span>thinking</span>
  </em>
  <span> of Connor made Gavin so tongue tied and nervous that he couldn’t form a single word. The thought of Connor made his heart race and his cheeks flush and his skin burn so hot that sometimes he felt like he had been set on fire. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mostly he was afraid.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Afraid that Connor would get to know him and see Gavin for who he truly was. There was a reason why Gavin didn’t make friends easily. The only reason Tina put up with him was because he was the only one who could put up with her. Chris was his friend, sure, but they weren’t exactly close. Elijah- well, Elijah was another story. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>How fucked up to think that it was all Elijah’s fault that Connor existed in the first place. It’s like his brother’s ultimate goal in life was to ruin Gavin’s life in every possible way. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t think about him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin closed his eyes, letting out a deep, shaky breath. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Coward,</span>
  </em>
  <span> the word repeated itself in his head over and over. Tina had really struck a nerve with that one.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All he wanted was Connor, but fear held him back. His stupid, cowardly fear. Never before had Gavin been so afraid when it came to how he felt about someone else. He’d been known in his previous relationships for being assertive. Dominating. He was always the first to approach someone else, take their hand and lead them into the spotlight. He was always the one to pay for someone else’s drink because he liked the color of their hair or the way they looked at him from across the bar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But the thought of making the first move with Connor paralyzed him. Gavin was good with rejection, he’d experienced it enough to know that the pain never lasts. So why was he so afraid of it when it came to Connor? </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Because he’s not just some twink getting drunk at the bar, waiting for someone to take him home. He’s a pillar and you better get used to kneeling.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>In truth, Connor intimidated the fuck out of Gavin. He was </span>
  <em>
    <span>terrifying.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor was the smartest, fastest, most skilled person Gavin had ever met. Connor was built to be a fucking killing machine. In all ways, Connor was superior to Gavin. They would never be equals, not in any sense.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor could tear him to shreds with the flick of the wrist.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But he won’t.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Tina’s words rang in his mind. She was right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor was built to destroy, but he chose to be kind. From the moment he deviated, Connor chose the path he wanted to follow. He was no longer what CyberLife programmed him to be. He was kind, clever, thoughtful, gentle. All the things that scared Gavin more than anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin could die in an infinite number of ways. Hit by an asteroid, shoved into a trash compactor, ripped apart by a deviant-hunting android. He always imagined his death would be bloody, painful, gruesome, slow. He wasn’t afraid of dying.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was afraid that he could never be kind or clever or thoughtful or gentle enough for Connor. He knew he couldn’t. He was arrogant, tense, clumsy, and cruel. How selfish would he have to be to get involved with someone like Connor? How stupidly, utterly selfish he would have to be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But that didn’t stop him from imagining Connor in his bed. He couldn’t have Connor in reality, but he could have him here. He could imagine Connor underneath him, cheeks flushed and eyes closed. He could imagine how Connor would feel. His fingertips brushing against Gavin’s skin, the feeling of the android’s lips on his own. The feeling of their bodies pressed against each other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t sleep much that night.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>In the following days, Tina’s words kept racing through his mind, taunting him. Talk to him. Talk to him. Talk to him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Talk to him, you fucking coward.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It pissed him off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He came close, a few times. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was standing in the break room, drumming his fingers on the counter top as he waited for his coffee to brew. For once he wasn’t thinking about Connor, but instead the video game he had spent playing all night on the couch. He was </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> close to completing the section, but he’d gotten stuck on a particular puzzle. Unfortunately, he’d gotten so frustrated he threw his controlled across the room and caused his cat to hide under the couch for the rest of the night.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe if the tunnel wasn’t so fucking dark I could see the mummies without having to-</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good morning, Detective Reed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He jerked around at the sound of Connor’s voice, bumping his hip painfully into the counter. He bit his tongue and glared at Connor, trying to pretend he hadn’t been startled. “Morning.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor strode across the break room, brushing past Gavin so close that he could smell the detergent from Connor’s clothes. Gavin watched as Connor headed to the microwave in the corner, where he placed a coffee mug that was still full to the brim. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you doing?” Gavin asked, crossing his arms with a scowl. He knew androids didn’t drink coffee. He ignored the pounding in his chest that usually came from Connor being so close.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hank made himself a cup this morning, but got called into a meeting with Captain Fowler before he could drink it. I thought I would heat it up for him so he doesn’t have to drink cold coffee.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How thoughtful.” Gavin tried to sound sincere, but his lifetime of being a snarky asshole made the comment sound more like a sneer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I try to be.” Connor responded, turning to Gavin and blinking at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then he just </span>
  <em>
    <span>stood</span>
  </em>
  <span> there. Gavin’s tongue felt dry and his mind went blank. He was beginning to feel lightheaded and he wondered if it was because of the lack of sleep or the fact that Connor was looking at him for so long. Gavin wondered if the silence felt awkward to Connor, too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The coffee machine behind Gavin growled as it spat out his coffee, and he felt a surge of relief at having something to distract himself with. He turned a little too quickly, bumping his hip against the counter again. As he picked up the cup, he realized that Connor was standing directly in front of the sugar and creamer as he waited for Hank’s coffee to warm up. There was no fucking way in hell that Gavin was gonna ask him to move, so he nodded once to Connor and strode quickly out of the break room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he sat down at his desk, he cleared his throat and closed his eyes. He hated black coffee. He decided that he would let it be for now and get sugar later, once he was sure Connor had left the breakroom. Opening the terminal on his computer, he signed in and began to read all the emails he had received since leaving work the night before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Distracted, he didn’t notice Connor had approached his desk until he heard a soft </span>
  <em>
    <span>plap.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He turned his head and saw two tiny yellow packets of sugar on the corner of his desk. Connor said nothing as he turned away and walked to his own desk, sitting stiffly in his chair and beginning his own work.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin’s face turned so red that he opened a folder and buried his face inside. He couldn’t help the warm feeling in his chest that seemed to spread throughout his entire body.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>Hank.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hank had never been Gavin’s favorite person, and vice versa. Gavin was an asshole, but so was Hank. At least, he was before he met Connor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ever since the lieutenant had started working with Connor he seemed to detest Gavin even more, and he didn’t blame him. Anyone who liked Connor was sure to hate Gavin after the way he had treated the android. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin tried to avoid Hank even more than he avoided Connor. Hank wasn’t as kind and forgiving as his partner, and he surely didn’t forgive Gavin for what he had done to Connor before the revolution. Any time they saw each other, Hank would pierce Gavin with a thorn-sharp gaze that threatened him more than any words could.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Don’t fuck with Connor.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin was a coward to be afraid of starting a relationship with Connor, but he was also very smart to stay away from him especially where Hank was concerned. Gavin knew that if he even </span>
  <em>
    <span>tried</span>
  </em>
  <span> anything with Connor then Hank would turn him inside out and feed him to the pigeons. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s why he was incredibly not thrilled to find that Hank and Connor had already arrived at the crime scene when he drove up. He recognized Hank’s car and the loud ass metal music that nearly shattered the windows. Thank God Chris was there to keep the peace.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Gavin.” Chris greeted him when he stepped out of the car, the wet gravel shifting under his feet. It had been raining all day and had eased into a light drizzle as night fell, to Gavin’s relief. He hated getting wet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Chris.” Gavin returned the greeting, adjusting his jacket as a cold breeze ruffled his shirt. “What happened?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Homicide - but you know that already.” Chris began to lead him away from the car and towards the apartment building that was sectioned off by police tape. Patrol cars were scattered all across the parking lot, the flashing lights reflected in the wet pavement. Gavin followed Chris through the front doors of the building, where a few officers were talking amongst themselves. None of them paid any attention to Gavin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Two girls found dead in an apartment, shot to death.” Chris continued as they stepped into the elevator, “We’re unsure of a motive or suspect, but it looks like foul play. We’ll know more when the coroner gets here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin nodded and they stood in silence as they waited. Gavin’s eyes flicked to the screen above the doors that signalled each floor they passed. 15. 17.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lieutenant Anderson and Connor are here.” Chris broke the silence, flashing a glance at Gavin. 20. 22.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I saw the car.” Gavin muttered, ignoring the look on Chris’s face. Chris might not know about Gavin’s feelings for Connor, but he knew that his relationship was tense with Hank. He probably already had his head bitten off by the old man when he mentioned Gavin was on his way. 30. 35.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Connor seems unsettled by it.” Chris added. 40. “The murder, I mean. The victim was an android.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin nodded. He assumed as much, given that Connor was involved in the investigation. 45. “You’d think he’d be used to it by now.” 50.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s different when it’s an android, I guess. Especially given his past.” 60.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin didn’t respond, lost in his own thoughts. He wondered how it must feel, to be an android, when your own kind was killed. He’d seen enough human deaths that he was no longer phased by it, but for Connor it must be different. Especially because he was once tasked with capturing and/or killing androids who betrayed their programming. He wondered if Connor ever felt responsible for the deaths of other androids. </span>
</p><p>71.</p><p>
  <span>The doors opened and Gavin stepped into the hallway. It was brightly lit - the building was one of the nicer ones in town, much nicer than his own - and he immediately saw the open door and caution tape that surrounded it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ducking under the tape, he peered into the apartment. It wasn’t very large but definitely more expensive than the dingy apartment Gavin lived in. From where he stood he could see into the living room, where a pool of blood lay on the floor. A few officers were examining the apartment, placing number tags where evidence lay and quietly talking to each other. As Gavin walked into the living room, he could see the androids on the floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>One was laying on her side, her legs buckled beneath her as if she had fallen. Her white shirt was stained with blood, and he could see the gunshot wounds to her chest that had, presumably, killed her. The other was sitting up, her back against the wall. Blood splattered the wall behind her head and a single bullet hole marked her forehead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hank stood beside them, arms crossed with a concerned look on his face. He looked up as Gavin entered the room, his expression immediately changing to a frown. “Just great. Why are </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> here?” He grumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin frowned back, feeling slightly awkward. “It’s my job.” He retorted, leaning against the doorframe, “Where’s your android detective?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hank narrowed his eyes, clearly angered by Gavin’s dismissive tone. He let his hands fall to his sides before he responded, “Outside on the balcony. Said he needed fresh air.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something in his eyes told Gavin that the lieutenant wasn’t telling him everything. It was like there was a deeper meaning behind his words, and not just the fact that androids don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>need</span>
  </em>
  <span> fresh air. Gavin shook his head, not wanting to let himself get riled up by whatever was bothering Hank. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without thinking about it, he turned away from the scene and started towards the balcony. He felt the familiar tug in his fingertips that pulled him to Connor, and for some reason he didn’t ignore it this time. He paused outside the sliding glass door, taking a moment to steady his breath. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Just talk to him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>At a crime scene, really? Could Gavin have picked a worse time?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Letting out a sigh he pulled the door open and stepped out onto the balcony, letting the door slide shut behind him. The balcony was larger than he expected, big enough for a table and chairs and a small garden. He deliberately let his gaze explore the space, making sure his eyes avoided Connor. There was a slanted roof overhead to protect it from the rain and Gavin could hear the water dripping off the edge and to the ground below. The sounds of the city resonated around him, but faded into the background when he finally laid eyes on Connor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The android was leaning against the railing of the balcony, his fists clutching the metal so tightly that Gavin wondered if it hurt. Connor hung his head, a few strands of hair falling in his face. There was something odd about Connor, he realized. Something he had never seen before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor was </span>
  <em>
    <span>crying.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin suddenly felt as if he were intruding, but he couldn’t bring himself to step away. He felt frozen to the spot as he looked at Connor, who shook with sobs, his tears mixing with the rain drops on the railing. He must have heard Gavin open the door and step onto the balcony, but he didn’t move. It was almost as if he were waiting for Gavin to speak first.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Connor?” Gavin whispered, afraid that if he spoke too loudly he might upset Connor even more. He also had absolutely no idea what to say in this situation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At first, Connor ignored him. Then, he lifted his head and looked at Gavin with an expression of such anguish that it made Gavin’s heart ache. Instinctively, Gavin stepped forward and placed his hand on Connor’s shoulder, pressing his thumb against his collar bone. He briefly wondered if he should give Connor a hug, but he was too stunned to do anything but stand there in silence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.” Connor breathed, almost inaudibly. He closed his eyes as a tear trickled down his cheek, and Gavin wanted nothing more than to wipe it away, but he stayed still. Connor shook his head, “I’m sorry, Detective, I shouldn’t be letting my emotions get in the way of my work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, Connor.” Gavin started awkwardly, “It’s… human.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor looked up at him, an unreadable expression in his eyes. Confusion? Gavin cleared his throat, unable to take his gaze away from Connor’s. He felt like he always did around Connor - paralyzed. Weak. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around Connor and to wipe away his tears and kiss him and tell him everything was going to be okay. But he couldn’t.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he just stood there, staring into Connor’s eyes like a deer in the headlights.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…” Connor’s breath caught in his throat, and he looked away. “I knew them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The androids?” Gavin asked gently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes. I met them before… before I deviated.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin’s eyes widened, listening as Connor continued, “Hank and I were investigating the murder at the Eden Club. You were there, remember?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was suddenly thrown back to that night all those months ago, a rainy night just like tonight. He remembered the man, Michael Graham, who had been murdered in the Eden Club. He remembered more clearly the scoff he’d given Hank when he said he was investigating the case, and the shoulder-check he’d given Connor on the way out. He later found out that a Traci had murdered the man and escaped, but he didn’t know the other details.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Gavin nodded, trying not to wince at the memory of how he treated Connor. But Connor clearly wasn’t thinking about that. His eyes were distant and he seemed almost haunted by what had happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I found the Traci who murdered him. She had deviated and… fell in love with another Traci. When I found her the other one attacked me and almost killed me, but I was quick enough to pull a gun on her.” Connor paused, looking at Gavin with an expression of guilt and confusion, “But I didn’t. I chose not to shoot her. I should have - it was in my program to destroy the deviants if they posed a threat to myself or humans - but I didn’t. I let her live.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And that’s why they escaped.” Gavin concluded, his eyes widening. He had always assumed that Connor and Hank hadn’t been able to find the Traci in time. He had no idea that Connor was the reason she was able to get away with it. “And those Tracis… are the ones who were killed tonight?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor leaned back over the railing, cupping his hands together and closing his eyes. He nodded, “Echo, the blue-haired one, she risked everything to get back to Ripple when she killed that man, and she did. She and Ripple gave up everything to be together. Now they’re dead.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Connor.” Gavin breathed, “I’m so sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without thinking, he reached out a hand and placed it over Connor’s. It felt warm. Just like a human’s. Just like his own. Connor didn’t move, didn’t look at him, and didn’t pull his hand away. So Gavin didn’t either.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time the silence wasn’t awkward or tense. Gavin felt strangely calm, to be here in Connor’s presence, silently comforting with what little he had to offer. His hand felt like it was burning where it touched the android’s, a tingling sensation running up his arm and coursing through his body like electricity. He was suddenly aware of the fact that he was shivering. From the cold or Connor, he didn’t know. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thought of the two girls, Echo and Ripple, killed in their apartment after they risked so much to be with each other. He wondered if he would ever risk his life to be with someone he loved. To protect them and keep them safe. He thought of Tina, or Chris, or even Elijah. Would he give up everything for them? Somehow he didn’t think he would.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>For Connor?</span>
  </em>
  <span> A voice asked inside his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He realized that he didn’t have an answer to that question.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>A few months passed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor and Gavin never spoke of that moment on the balcony. Gavin wondered if Connor was ashamed of letting himself be overcome with emotions. He wondered if he was embarrassed at falling apart in front of Gavin Reed, of all people. He wondered if Connor thought about it as much as he did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their dynamic in the office changed. Connor no longer greeted Gavin whenever he saw him. No longer smiled in his direction or walked in on him in the break room. For a long time Gavin had wished that Connor would stop, but now that he did, it felt like a punch to the gut. What little interaction he’d had with Connor was now gone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin pretended that it didn’t bother him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tina stopped nagging him about Connor. He thought she might have realized something happened between them, or that Gavin simply got over his crush. Whatever the reason, he was glad she didn’t pester him about it anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pretended not to care.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He missed Connor. He missed him so bad it </span>
  <em>
    <span>hurt.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He missed the morning greetings and the smiles across the office and every time Gavin saw the little packets of sugar he wanted to cry because all he wanted was for Connor to bring them to his desk like before. He even started drinking his coffee black in hopes that Connor would notice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor didn’t notice. He didn’t even seem to know that Gavin existed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And it hurt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not that Gavin was entitled to any attention from Connor. They weren’t even friends. Just colleagues who shared a very intimate and personal moment on a balcony at a crime scene. Didn’t that count for something?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin spent many nights laying awake, wondering what he could do to bring Connor back. What could he do to get his attention? He wished he could go back in time and never step onto that balcony so that nothing had ever changed. He wished he could go back in time to the first time he met Connor and treat him right. He wished he could change everything. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Talk to him.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>What stupid advice. He tried talking to Connor and now Connor pretended he didn’t exist. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin started going out more and hooking up with whoever was drunk enough to want to sleep with someone like him. He would get absolutely plastered and make out with someone in the cab on the way to his apartment and they would be gone by the next morning and he wouldn’t even remember what they looked like. Every time he had sex with another stranger he hoped that it would take away the pain in his heart and bring him some kind of happiness, but it didn’t. Each hook up just made him feel more hollow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because all he wanted was Connor. He didn’t want Mike from the club or Jackson from Grindr or Felicity from the bar. He wanted </span>
  <em>
    <span>Connor.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The first time he dreamed of Connor he woke up in a cold sweat, gasping for breath, heart pounding in his chest. Sure, he’d daydreamed about what Connor would be like in bed but a dream was different. A dream felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>real.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Connor’s hands on his body had felt so real, his breath on Gavin’s neck had felt real. The heat that pulsed from his body was so real that Gavin felt smothered by it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The first time he dreamed of Connor he cried. He cried and screamed into his pillow and shouted at his cat when she tried to comfort him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At work the next day, he absorbed himself in his work. He knew that Tina knew something was wrong. She could read him like a book, no matter how hard he tried to keep it bound. She finally cornered him in the break room while everyone was out at lunch until she forced him to tell her what happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Was he good though? Like in bed?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jesus Christ, Tina.” Gavin groaned, exasperated. “Of course he was! Why else would I be so fucked up by it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were certainly fucked up, alright.” She teased.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He fought the urge to shove her, knowing that she could have him pinned to the table with an arm behind his back in a heartbeat. He was about to deliver a stinging retort when he heard footsteps approaching the breakroom. They immediately spun around in time to see Connor enter the room, his gaze flicking between the two of them as if he knew they’d been talking about him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, Officer Chen.” Connor nodded before he looked at Gavin. He hesitated for a moment before addressing him, his voice slightly strained, “Hello, Detective Reed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Connor.” Tina leaned over the table, resting her chin on her hands. “What’cha doing?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor hesitated, looking confused as if he wasn’t sure why he was in the breakroom. He tilted his head to the side, letting his gaze travel across the room as if searching for the answer. “Splenda. For Hank.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He paced across the room and reached for the pile of packets, picking up a few. He nodded to the two of them again and left, almost as quickly as he had come.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought Hank drank his coffee black.” Gavin murmured.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He does, you idiot.” Tina thumped him on the forehead and he winced, “He came in here to see </span>
  <em>
    <span>you.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin looked at her for a moment before he burst into laughter. Between laughs he managed to choke out, “You’re delusional. He hasn’t even looked at me since-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He cut off, eyes widening. He realized his mistake too late and inwardly groaned when he saw Tina’s eyes widen with interest. A coy smile appeared on her lips and he knew that he would never be able to get away with it now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, she made him tell her everything. They met up at Gavin’s apartment after work, just like they did almost every weekend. They ordered take-out and Tina sat with Pepper, Gavin’s cat, in her lap while she watched him play video games. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He explained to her the entire story, eyes constantly trained on the screen as he played. She listened in silence, offering no input until he finished speaking. When he did finish, she sat stroking the cat, her head tilted to the side as if lost in thought. Gavin knew what she was really doing. Scheming. Coming up with some ridiculous plot to make Connor and Gavin fall madly in love and live happily ever after. He just hoped she didn’t make him serenade anyone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re daft, you know that?” She finally spoke.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin paused his game and turned to look at her, an incredulous look on his face. “Excuse me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re a fucking idiot, Gavin.” She shook her head, a smile playing on her lips, “You couldn’t tell a circle from a square if you didn’t have me to help you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the fuck does that mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It means that Connor is fucking in love with you!” She retorted, her eyes wide as if she couldn’t believe that this information wasn’t obvious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin blinked at her, looking at her like she had gone completely insane. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>You’re</span>
  </em>
  <span> the daft one. Connor doesn’t love me, he won’t even look at me! We haven’t spoken in months and you’re trying to tell me he’s in love with me? You’re insane, Tina.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course he stopped talking to you,” She snapped, “He’s been dropping hints for months that he likes you and you, being you, completely ignored him. Why do you think he was always so happy to see you at work? Why do you think he brought you those precious sugar packets? He’s new to this, Gavin. He’s never had feelings for anyone before, so he probably thinks </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> don’t like </span>
  <em>
    <span>him.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin looked at her, completely lost for words. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do you think I wanted you to talk to him so badly? It was obvious he’s liked you for ages and all you had to do was engage with him and you’d finally see it! He’s probably scared shitless to have feelings for someone, especially when that someone is you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What does </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It means that you’re not exactly the easiest person to get along with.” Tina’s expression softened and she continued, “But that moment on the balcony probably scared him to death. You said it yourself that you’re terrified of making the first move with him, imagine how scared he must be. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Anyone</span>
  </em>
  <span> can see how much he likes you. Even Hank knows it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hank?” Gavin felt his stomach drop, his eyes widening with horror, “Hank would kill me if he even thought I was interested in Connor.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, he wouldn’t. He wants Connor to be happy. And if the person that makes him happy is you, Hank will learn to live with it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well… what should I do?” Gavin asked, a pleading look in his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Talk to him.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span>A few days later, Gavin found himself working late. He didn’t often stay at the office this late, unless there was an active crime scene or an interrogation happening, and he wasn’t very happy to be stuck at his desk when he could be getting drunk at the bar with Tina.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked at the clock in the bottom corner of his screen and groaned inwardly. 11:38p.m. Of course. With the pile of paperwork left in his terminal he knew he’d be here until at least midnight. The only other people at the station were a few on-duty officers who were on patrol or working at their desks. No one that Gavin knew personally. He frowned as he imagined Tina kicking back shots while he was busy writing reports.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The coffee cup on his desk was empty and he knew he would need more if he was going to be able to finish these reports any time tonight. He got up and headed to the breakroom, which was slowly turning into his second home. He thought he might spend more time at the coffee machine than his own desk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He made the cup and glanced at the cream and sugar, thinking, like he always did, of the time Connor stood in front of it, blocking his way. He turned away with a grunt, heading back to his desk. Black coffee still sucked, but he couldn’t bring himself to sweeten it. Not when it made him think of Connor. Especially after his conversation with Tina.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He placed the coffee back down on his desk, but he wasn’t ready to sit down. He knew that once he sat in that chair he would be stuck there for a few more hours. Might as well take a smoke break while he was up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Grabbing his jacket, and threw it over his shoulders and headed outside to where he stood in the alley beside the station. The parking lot was nearly empty, only cars from those unlucky few who were working this late. He dug in his pocket for his cigarettes and fished them out along with his lighter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lit one, holding it between his lips and taking in a breath. Coffee and cigarettes. He was in for a long night.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Detective?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He nearly jumped out of his skin, choking on the smoke as the voice came from behind him. He whipped around to see Connor standing a few feet away, looking at him. Gavin took the cigarette from his lips and flicked the ash onto the ground, pretending that he hadn’t just been scared half to death. “What are you doing here, Connor?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I forgot some paperwork on my desk earlier. I came to get it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Forgot.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Gavin immediately knew it was a lie. “Androids don’t forget.” He pointed out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor looked taken aback, as if he hadn’t expected Gavin’s response. He looked away for a moment, and Gavin was sure that if Connor was human his cheeks would have turned red. “I-I guess not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So why are you really here?” Gavin asked, holding his breath as he waited for the answer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor hesitated and Gavin caught a flash of fear in his eyes. His own heart was pounding so hard he was sure that Connor must be able to hear it, but he remained silent as he waited for the android’s answer. After a few moments Connor finally sighed and looked into Gavin’s eyes, “You know why.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do I?” Gavin’s response was barely a whisper.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor took a step closer, slowly as if afraid that any movement would make Gavin turn and run. Gavin was glad of it, because every muscle in his body was telling him to run, to get away from Connor as quickly as possible. To protect him from what would happen next. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t you?” Connor took another step, now only a few feet away from Gavin. He looked uncertain - afraid, almost. Was he really afraid of Gavin’s response? Did he really care that much?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor inched closer, until he stood so close that Gavin had to tilt his head up to look into his eyes. He knew his cigarette was slowly burning up, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything other than the android that stood in front of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could see it in Connor’s eyes. A begging, pleading question. The same question that had been on the tip of Gavin’s tongue for months now. The question that kept him awake at night. For a moment he wondered if this was a dream. He never expected this moment to come, the moment that had haunted his dreams and made his blood turn to ice every time he imagined it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he knew it wasn’t a dream. As he looked into Connor’s eyes, he knew that Tina was right. He suddenly didn’t feel the cold anymore. He wasn’t aware of anything other than Connor and the way he was looking at Gavin at that moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He let the cigarette fall from his hand, landing on the ground with the faintest hiss. He reached a hand up and touched the back of Connor’s neck. He felt the android’s hair on the tip of his fingers, and he felt his breath hitch as Connor’s eyes fluttered in response to his touch. He gave the slightest tug, so microscopic that he knew no one but Connor could ever sense it. Connor seemed to understand and leaned down, his nose brushing against Gavin’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin shut his eyes as he closed the gap between them, pressing his lips against Connor’s. Like the moment their hands first touched, he felt the electricity course through him. A warmth spread from his lips to his stomach to the rest of his body, until he felt like he had been set on fire. He felt a sound escape from his throat, a grunt that begged Connor to return the kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And he did. He felt Connor press against him, lifting his hands to cup the sides of Gavin’s face. The android moved his lips against his own, sending a feeling of peace that radiated through Gavin’s body in waves. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For once, he wasn’t afraid. He wasn’t afraid of what could happen or what the future would bring. He wasn’t scared of what people might think or what this might mean for them. He felt like he could exist in that moment forever, kissing Connor for the first time. For the first time in a long time, Gavin felt happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they finally broke apart, Connor didn’t pull his face away. Their noses still touched and Gavin’s breath warmed the skin on Connor’s face. When Gavin finally opened his eyes he saw that Connor was staring at him with an emotion he had never seen on him before. Love.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that.” Gavin whispered, looking down at Connor’s lips and then back up into his eyes. “I’ve wanted it for so, so long.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.” Connor breathed, rubbing his thumb against Gavin’s cheekbone. “I’m sorry I didn’t do it before.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor hesitated, pressing his forehead against Gavin’s as he looked at the ground. When he finally spoke, Gavin heard a slight crack in his voice, “I never that Gavin Reed could love an android.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gavin felt his face soften and he let go of his grip on the back of Connor’s neck. Connor’s hands fell away to his sides and he started to step back, as if he expected Gavin to reject him. But Gavin quickly grabbed Connor’s face in his hands, lifting his chin so that they looked into each other’s eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I do, Connor. I do love you.” Gavin whispered, feeling his breath hitch in his throat, “I have for a long time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor smiled. A smile that Gavin had never seen before. This one reached his eyes and Gavin felt his heart skip a beat when he saw the way that Connor’s eyes squinted and his nose scrunched. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Connor’s lips, punctuating his words. He felt Connor move against him, pressing his chest against Gavin’s as he tried to get closer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Connor broke away from the kiss, just far enough away that their lips still brushed together, “I love you, too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now it was Gavin’s turn to smile. He could see by the sparkle in Connor’s eyes that his smile was just as genuine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Right now it didn’t matter that Gavin was human and Connor was an android. It didn’t matter what other people might think of them. It didn’t matter what the future might hold, however bright or dark it would be, long or short. All Gavin cared about was that they existed in that moment, together at last. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Gavin?” Connor whispered after a few moments, looking deep into his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You taste like cigarettes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck off.”</span>
</p><p> </p>
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